Wow. It has been a long time since I have sat down to write on my blog. There have been so many moments over the past year where I told myself that I was going to really set the time for myself to dive more into keeping this blog with frequent content. I am sorry to those of you that had messaged me in the past year that I did not respond to until recently. I have made this my priority to update my blog at least once a month since I have so much to share and catch you all up on! The biggest update and most amazing news is that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on January 31st, 2020. The last time I had updated my blog I had just gone through 2 IUI's that did not work, and was absolutely devastated, and had decided to just throw in the towel on trying to get pregnant. The following month after our failed IUI I felt that I was pregnant but my tests were negative. As the weeks went on I had scheduled an appointment with my OB to see if there was something hormonal going on, that would cause me to lactate and feel pregnant. I had an ultrasound and another pregnancy test and the doctor told me I was not pregnant. I honestly was so beyond over having my hopes up, only to be constantly let down, that I did not even want to have blood work done. However, I was concerned that there was something bad going on in my body if I was not pregnant, so I did agree to have blood work done. I received my results a couple days later and was surprised to find out that I had been pregnant the whole time, and was about 6 weeks along. My pregnancy with Elias was very different from my pregnancy with Amor. I felt all the typical pregnancy symptoms and more. I did do genetic testing for him because we wanted to be more prepared this time around so we could know what to expect, since Amor was such a surprise at birth. We found out we were having a boy when I was 13 weeks pregnant, and honestly I still had this crazy idea that he would come out as a girl instead LOL!
I hired a midwife and a doula for my pregnancy. I really wanted to have a completely different experience with my prenatal care, and wanted to have a home water birth. As the months passed it became very difficult for me to keep up with Amor's therapies the bigger that I got, I did temporarily postpone her services in the last trimester of my pregnancy. In my final weeks I anticipated labor, and waited impatiently for it to start. I was in early labor from my due date of 01/15/20 all the way until the day he was born. I ended up going way past my due date, and no longer felt comfortable to deliver at home. I transferred care to the only OB that would take me given how overdue I was. He was such an amazing doctor, who offered to induce and let me try for my VBAC, but I felt the best decision was for a repeat C-section. We scheduled the surgery for that night, and I truly feel like I got my redemptive and healing birth that I needed. I believe that I needed to have a healing C-section to really get past the trauma that I endured with my C-section with Amor. I felt God with me the entire time we were at the hospital. I felt like each person that we interacted with before my delivery, and during our postpartum care at the hospital, was hand picked from God. The nurses prayed over me, played my birth playlist that I had made, sang worship music with me, and made me feel so safe and cared for. I was naturally scared, and I felt very worried that Elias was going to come out and we would have another scary situation all over again. Can I just say.... it was the most beautiful birth I could have ever imagined, for what the situation was. The second he was out my amazing nurse looked at me and told me he was perfect. Chris looked over with a reassuring smile and said "He is okay babe..." I knew what he meant. As much as we have embraced our amazing little girl and her extra chromosome, there was still a part of us that hoped we would have a different "typical" experience. It felt like I took my first deep breath in a long time once he was born, and I knew he was safe, and healthy. I will forever cherish the experience that we had in that delivery room. My recovery was hard, but it was much easier than my C-section with Ami. I think the grief of her diagnosis heightened all the physical pain I experienced from her delivery. Elias was born at 1:05 am on 01/31/20 and he weighed 9 LBS 13OZ and was 22 " long. I thank God everyday for the two most amazing babies I get to be a mama to. Now lets fast forward to present day. Elias turned 4 months last Friday, and we have his 4 month check up this week. I have been exclusively breastfeeding him from the very beginning. It has not been easy, I have almost given up a handful of times. BUT I pushed through cracked nipples, and an infection, and I am so proud of where we are at right now. I did not get to experience breastfeeding my little Amorcita, so this has been such a joy for me to be able to experience it this time around. I started back at work a little over a month ago and it has been HARD. I was off of work or a year after I had Amor, and we were living with my mom, so I had constant help and didn't have to worry about working. Now I have a toddler, and a 4 month old who is very "needy".. aka he is very much a baby ! I have been trying to find my balance with adjusting to being a mom of 2, a wife, working late hours from home, trying to advance myself, and just growing and changing as a woman. Shortly after Elias was born COVID 19 and the shutdown happened, so it has made being at home difficult at times. The first couple months it was really isolating, and I feel like it has really impacted my mental health. I do believe that I have been struggling with a little bit depression (if that is a thing) or it could just be hormones, combined with all the crazy stuff happening in the world the last couple months. I am doing better, but each day it is a challenge for me right now, and I am just trying to find my balance with this new life. I am so incredibly blessed and thankful to be where I am right now, but I also acknowledge that I am struggling with things that I have never struggled with before. It has given me a new insight for those that struggle with different types of mental health issues, and has made me be more honest with myself about how I am feeling. I don't want to be ashamed for not being happy all the time, or feeling like I need to cry for no reason right now. Are any of you new mamas feeling like this right now? It is such a weird time in our world right now..especially if you just had a baby. If you are feeling like this at all right now...even if you have not recently had a baby, please be kind to yourself. It is okay to not be okay right now. Okay well this was just a little catch up of what has gone on in my life for the last year. I have so much more that I plan to write about regarding Amor's development, and milestones, and just the craziness of life and how I am trying to juggle it. I just want to thank those of you who have messaged me in the last year, who show love and support, and subscribed to my blog. I promise I will be more active on here! Please stay safe. Sending you all lots of love!